The Sorrow of the Timelord
by Laheara
Summary: The Doctor speaks his greatest fears to Rose, who tries to comfort him. Set after “School Reunion” but came to me after “Turn Left” and the horrors that could be without the Doctor around to save us.


Timeline: Set after S2 ep "School Reunion" but the thought came to me after watching "Turn Left" and the horrors that could be without the Doctor around to save us.

Summary: The Doctor speaks his greatest fears to Rose, who tries to comfort him.

Disclaimer: BBC owns Doctor Who, not me, although I'd love to be on their writing staff.

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**The Sorrow of the Timelord**

**by Laheara**

The Doctor, Rose and Mickey where back in the TARDIS, having left Sarah Jane and K9 behind on Earth. Mickey was off exploring and likely getting lost even though Rose gave him a map. She was more concerned about the look she's seen in the Timelords eyes when he came back from telling Sarah Jane goodbye so she was now trying to find the Doctor. She entered the console room and noted the time router was pulsing away softly as usual. Then her eyes found him on the top level leaning against one of the coral supports with his back to the rest of the room. He looked like he was remembering long ago.

As she climbed the steps and came to sit across from him and lean against the back wall, he blinked in her direction but didn't look at her.

Rose pulled her feet to her to make room for his long legs and she asked shyly, "Are you thinking about Sarah Jane?"

The Doctor didn't say anything for a few moments but he did smile, which seemed to mean yes. Then finally he nodded, but still didn't look at her.

"We could always go back and ask her to change her mind and come with us," Rose suggested now looking at his handsome face. She loved to see him smile, to see the light in his eyes when he was discovering something or working on a new project. She loved it even more when he smiled at her, it made her tingle all over and she felt happy.

The Doctor shook his head as he said, "No. No, she made her choice and it was a good one. One I should have made her when we first met."

Rose looked confused. "You mean you wish she'd never come with you? You didn't enjoy your time with her?"

Now the Doctor did look at her, with his eyebrows arched in the "are you insane?" expression. "Of course I enjoyed me time with her. She was brilliant and full of energy and life. She made me feel a hundred years younger."

Rose was very confused now. If he loved having her with him so much, why did he say he shouldn't have let her? "I don't understand, Doctor."

The man now sighed sadly and looked down at his hands with a heartbreakingly lonely expression that Rose just wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let go.

"You were right to be angry with me when you learned about Sarah and the others I've traveled with over the centuries and come to care about."

Rose immediately felt terrible about what she'd said and reached out to the terribly miserable Timelord. "No, I was wrong. I didn't mean to accuse you, I just didn't understand and I was upset to think I might loose you someday."

The Doctor saw her hand come toward him and by reflex took it and hand on tightly with both of his. He looked at her for the first time now with such a haunting look that it sent shivers through Rose. "You will loose me, someday."

Rose almost jumped out of her skin as her other hand grabbed onto both of his and she edged closer to him, all the time shaking her head. "No, no I won't. You said I could spend the rest of my life with you and that's what I want. I'm never leaving you, Doctor, no ever."

He smiled sadly and looked at her like she'd just made him so happy, but there were the start of tears in his eyes. "I know and I want you too, but you shouldn't. Look at what just happened at that school. The children's minds tampered with, the school blown-up, people's lives changed. Those things keep happening around me, it's not safe to stay."

Rose was on the verge of tears now herself. He was making it sound like every bad thing that happens in all of time and space was his fault. "No, you don't cause these things to happen. If it wasn't for you lots of people would be dead and Mr. Finch would have destroyed everything. You didn't hurt people you saved them, like you always do."

The Doctor just stared at their joined hands and didn't make any movement to say he'd taken any of that in. "I do care about you Rose, you're special to me and I hope you know that."

Rose was nearly crying then burst out in the biggest smile. But before she could say anything he continued.

"I felt that way about Sarah Jane once, I still do. When I saw her today, it was like all those centuries since our last meeting melted away. She was just how I remembered her: beautiful, vibrant, oh so curious and alive. She's alive because I left her behind. If I had taken her with me back to Gallifrey, like she wanted, she would have eventually been pulled into the Time War. And now she'd be dead, likely everyone else I loved."

Rose settled a little as she listened to him speak. She tried to give supportive nods when she could.

"You both are so alike; you don't even realize it, Rose. You both make me laugh; you put me in my place when I'm being unreasonable." Then he looked into her eyes as he continued. "Your eyes always have such unwavering faith in me that I don't ever feel worthy of it." He looks away unable to stand the hatefulness he feels toward himself for letting someone trust him so completely. "So yes, I leave you behind sometimes, but if I didn't you would all most likely be dead."

Rose squeezed his hands in hers and tried to make him look back at her, with no luck.

"I shouldn't travel with people at all. Because everyone I've ever been I've hurt, or gotten them or someone they love killed. I shouldn't let people come with me. I do because I'm so lonely that if someone reaches their hand out to me I can't help but take it because it makes me feel part of something. I know you feel that traveling with me is worth the risk, you all do when we start, and I should have the strength to tell you no."

He shifted and tried to pull his hands free but Rose wouldn't allow it and held on for all she was worth. Finally he stopped trying and just looked defeated.

"I should protect you all from me, but I can't because having someone in the TARDIS makes me feel good and needed and wanted. For a short time, I don't feel like the man that committed mass genocide on his own people and left the universe without someone to protect from meddlers in time and space. It seems everything I touch turns wrong and the people I'm trying to help end up getting hurt."

His eyes finally found hers and it felt like an electrical shock hit her at the intensity of his sorrow. She let the tears slide down her face as she allowed him pull his hands free. But before he could move, she knelt so close her arms brushed his chest as her hands took either side of his face and made him look at her.

She let out a sob before she spoke forcefully to get his attention. "Now, you listen to me. You are a good and descent person who cares about people and wants to help them. There is nothing terrible or dangerous about that. You look after us, you show us wonders we could never have dreamt of and you make our lives better for knowing you. Yes, sometimes things go wrong, but that's not your fault and we would never hold it against you."

The Doctor just watched, lost in her eyes as she spoke. He wanted so much to believe but he'd seen and done so much. His memories burned inside like the core of a sun trying to destroy him.

Rose could see the range of emotions flooding through him. He wanted to believe her but he just couldn't bring himself too. She now understood the look in his eyes in those few brief moments his guard slips and she sees his fear or sorrow. She doesn't know what else to say to make him understand so she settles for trying to comfort him.

Rose takes his hands again and pull him until his back is against the wall and then she snuggles in next to him resting her head on his chest. Again, on reflex, he wraps an arm around her and pulls her close, wanting to feel needed. Rose can hear the steady beat of both his hearts and wraps her arms around him hoping she can help in some way.

The End

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Author Note: Yes, I know this is sad but I think it fits what really does go through his mind sometimes. It seemed to be exactly what he was thinking when he got back to the TARDIS at the end of Pompeii. "Haven't I done enough?"

He does a good job trying to hide those thoughts and fears but they are always there and he seems to hate himself sometimes because of it. So I wanted to give him some comfort.

Hope you liked. Comments are welcome.


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